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WENGZHOU
By: Simon Seline
This wonderful story takes place in a world very, very different and unknown to those of us whom grew up in Ontario!
If you have the diligence for one epic story, this is food for your soul!
….just like my crazed mind!
By the end of this, you are going to wonder just how many screws are loose in this deep cavern known as my head and psyche. As I, too, wonder the same. But hey: One-can’t-accidentally-dive-into-a-giant-rock-at-a-beach-and-impale-his-head-ON-to-said-rock-at-age-11-and-leave-a-big scar-without-some-residual-effect(s)-taking-effect-years-later….
This story is as epic as they can get.
I travelled to China nine years ago today. 
How the heck did I get to China? In the first place?
By going to Hamilton, Ontario. Of course! 
“Of course….” 
Everyone knows the way to getting into the grinding ground of Shanghai is by going to Hamilton for the first time in your life when you live in Ottawa. 
My old college roommate Eddie got married in Hamilton. 
No, not to me! 
I went to the wedding; was in the wedding party. 
One of the guys in the party with me was Eddie’s friend named Sichao. Sichao was a Chinese-Canadian and we struck a cordial bond and exchanged emails. Then strangely, just one week later: I got an email from Sichao. Sichao had received an email from his friend in Shanghai named Daisong.
Daisong emailed Sichao in asking if Sichao knew anyone in the stand-up comedy business. 
Sichao replied: “Actually, I met a guy just LAST WEEK at my friend’s wedding, and that is his whole profession!”
Sichao emailed me in asking if he could put me into contact with Daisong, (Daisong, as I was soon to find out, was a total nutbar and gentleman!), and I said “SURE!” and then eight short, coordinated months later my friend Geoff Mackay and I ended up in Shanghai in April 2011. 
And. 
Then. 
This. 
Happened. 
The lesson here is: Don’t go to Carleton. Not even to visit. Or a decade later your old roommates will have you heaved into Shanghai.
When that happens, it will be the best!
In 2011: I went to China. It involves my trip and a leg of my stand-up comedy tour in China.
We begin by me telling you a bit about the guy whom brought my friend Geoff and me to China. He brought Geoff and me there to do stand-up comedy.
His name is Daisong. He has lived in Ottawa before, but now makes his home in pollution-palace-Shanghai, (Soot-free air? Preposterous in China!) and what he wanted is to be a booker/agent. H ended up becoming my friend, booker/agent and translator. He wanted to be a booker/agent and be on top on the entertainment game in the English-speaking community of China.
Surprisingly that English-speaking community of China isn’t as small as you think.
In Shanghai.
If you go to the city of Wengzhou, on the other hand, that language bracket just diminishes and diminishes, just like all those chances I had of passing math…. as I grew older/smellier…..
Now you’re asking: “What the heck is a Wengzhou? It’s not something you found underneath your bed, is it, Simon?”
Wengzhou is a small mountainous city that is a four-hour train ride south of Shanghai and has a tiny population of eight million people.
Yes. 8 Million people live in this city that no one has ever heard of, just like Geoff and myself!
….and now: I am pretty convinced I am never allowed to SHOW MY FACE there ever again!!
Daisong is a great host and a great guy and treated Geoff and I very decently, but he is a bit of a space case. He is a bit out-to-lunch. (Like most comedians are.) That is okay, but sometimes that can lead to not-so-great-calls-in-judgment, and this one act was even-more-surprisingly-NOT-alcohol-related! (Unlike that time I fell off the back of the parked pick-up truck doing a “keg stand” and didn’t even know my leg was bleeding until the next morning/week.) All parties involved are consciously guilty of what transpired, and it leads to this AMAZEMENT that left Geoff and I completely baffled! Neither Geoff nor I can actually believe we will be telling people back home in Ottawa what I am about to share with you:
Daisong wants to be a big shot, as who doesn’t?
Well, he also has a girlfriend. She is a sweet-hearted girl named Lina and she lives in the city of Beijing. Daisong and Lina do a long-distance relationship
….and no, Beijing is not right beside Winnipeg. I am telling you so you all didn’t have to learn that the hard way like I did.
Lina works for a TV station. What Lina did was she told Daisong about this Press Conference/ BEAUTY PAGEANT going on in a small city in China that her station is involved with.
The event was a press conference for Miss China International Beauty Pageant 2011-Wengzhou.
I am not making this up. It may have been some preliminary round. Maybe they called it “international” when it was just the Miss China of the Chinese province, maybe. The details are not all there (insert a perfect Simon-esque self-deprecation line) but it was a press conference with Miss China!
The city is called Wengzhou; and it is nowhere near Shanghai or Beijing.
You got it: you just read the words: “Beauty pageant;” “Miss China” “City no one’s heard of;” and “Never allowed to show my face there again!” and “Simon!” and you know what that means?
Did the Chinese Feds find my Hot Wheels Collection?
Or:
Is it “worse” than you feared?
Except hilariously worse?
Yes.
But we’ll get to all of that in a moment!
What stemmed next I can only assume was mentioned innocently and in-passing like we all do when we talk about our day with our significant others; but Lina told Daisong of this beauty pageant.
That was when the gears in that awesome movie screeched.
The idea then hatched Daisong’s wonderful brain:
Why not, then, add a little “flair” to this show; and have Simon and Geoff PERFORM on it?
Wait a minute: Daisong will have us perform our English-speaking stand-up comedy at this all–Chinese show?
We’ll get back to this little element later!
I have no idea how Daisong sold us to the producers; or how he sold Geoff and I to agree to do it; (Actually, that is not entirely true. Geoff said it best: “There will be MISS CHINA models there, Simon!” Case closed.); and I have no idea precisely how it all stringed together beforehand. But before no long; and lots of hilarious phone calls and puzzled brows; in no time at all; we had a show to do! Daisong established this great connection that had Geoff and I packing our bags and heading down to Wengzhou by train. The train; the hotel; the state dinner; breakfast; were all taken care of by Lina’s TV company; which was sweet!!
Well, it’s been a while “later” now, and the “little element” to this show of what Geoff and I agreed to do:
Was sing.
We agreed to sing at the Miss China International Beauty Pageant.
Daisong had sold us to the producers as SINGERS, when we are not singers; we are stand-up comedians!
Daisong hatched this mad idea to have us perform, and be labelled as “Famous Canadian Singers.” He told the producers that is what we were.
THEN Daisong asked us if were in.
This was the dialogue between Geoff and I:
S: “Hey Geoff: can you even sing, man?”
G: “Can you?”
S: “Well, I used to sing in the choir back in grade school. Then I hit puberty. And even that is still up for debate. Depending on who you ask.”
G: “Well, I used to play base in a band.”
A long, drawn-out pause.
S: “We have to say ‘yes’ to this, just for the story!”
G: “That, and the fact there will be MISS CHINA models there!”
Sold.
This was the wonderful male logic we employed.
I think one of us also said the line: “We did come all this way, after all….”
So I was on my way out of Shanghai!
Briefly en-route to Wenzhou: the “Las Vegas” of Guangxi province, China. I make this joke without even having researched which province Shanghai is in.
We also found out….
That Lina’s TV station also provided the ride from the train station to the Hotel.
So we stepped off the train four hours later into a desolate, stark, barren, scary landscape surrounded by mountains. It was almost like Saskatchewan…
Lina had headed up a day ahead, so it was just me, Geoff and Daisong, and literal tumbleweeds.
No one else had stepped off the train with us.
There was no better and no more effective a place on Earth for me to “disappear” forever!
We peered and stared into a desolate landscape, and way, way, into the distance, I saw.
I saw something.
Something was coming at us.
It was black.
It was fast.
Was it a marauding buffalo?
Was it a Minotaur?
Was it Sonic the Hedgehog turned black?
No, it was a scary, unmarked black vehicle.
It was driving like it was auditioning to be a part of a Steve McQueen movie!
What the heck was going on?
We saw the SUV speeding towards the train station in the distance, and I said to Geoff: “I think that might be for US!”
“We just rode the Chinese bullet train, and whoever that guy is, he driving faster than the train!”
So, truly not knowing where we are: we got off the train only to see a big black unmarked SUV rip up to us. Exiting this vessel: was a 6’3 Chinese dude in a sleek, black, three-piece-suit and really dark gnarly sunglasses (just like the kind you can get at KFC) Doc Martens, spiky hair and a lantern jaw that looks like chips bricks. I called him “Brick Jaw.” Even Schwarzenegger would’ve been scared by Brick Jaw!
(I was right: It was a Minotaur! A Greek Mythological Monster in China! In a suit! And an SUV!)
Daisong walks up to him, calmly, (while Geoff and I are trembling) and he nods and Brick Jaw nods back. Then our rosy-new-best-friend then pulls out a small radio earpiece and places it into his right ear and Daisong responds in English:
“Yes. It is them.”
(Strangely no other English was spoken at any point from there between Daisong and Brick Jaw!)
Not “It’s them”; to which the innocuous apostrophe tends to add an innocent casual-ness to the statement. I find. No: the statement was: “It. IS. Them.”
As if we were the cast of “The Matrix!”
Eep.
Brick-jaw then nods with no expression and does a quick head motion (Or jaw, I couldn’t quite tell) to Geoff and I and Daisong that reads: “Get in.”
Seeing as we had no other choice; were being ordered by a Chinese secret agent; had no idea where we were; and couldn’t speak the language; we were …for some reason… inclined to oblige!
Geoff and I glance at each other. With some rightful nervous tension; in wondering: “‘It. IS. Them.??’ What will that entail?!'”
We proceed to get INTO the sleek black unmarked SUV with our new fun-filled-delight Brick-Jaw and from there we all climb into the backseat.
I whispered to Daisong: “Daisong, can he understand English?”
Then Daisong, clearly someone who has watched a lot of movies about Espionage and Tact, blurts out inside the black, claustrophobic, sealed, condensed SUV as the doors are closed and the car is on the road and “Brick-Jaw” is behind the wheel with a side-profile and look as though he is thinking:
“I’ll show YOU how to drive, Steve McQueen!”
And he did.
But, well after Daisong loudly says: ‘WHAT? OH YEAH HE SPEAKS ENGLISH! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT SO QUIETLY SIMON? AND BY THE WAY HOW DO YOU CLEARLY SPELL YOUR NAME ‘SIMON SELINE?’ AND HOW ABOUT YOURS GEOFFREY MACKAY? IT’S WITH A ‘G”, RIGHT?”
“Glad we got that cleared up, Daisong! Thanks.” Geoff murmured.
Ah, Daisong and his excellent sense of place, volume and timing!
My face drops and I didn’t say anything. As the scary part was it wasn’t the fact Brick-Jaw turned around to glare at me in wondering “Care to clear up why you asked that??” but it was the fact that he didn’t turn around at ALL!
He just put the standard transmission into Fifth Gear;
….before any of those OTHER pesky gears;
….and in no seconds-time: BAM!!!!
We tore out of the Train Station as if we had to travel port-dimensionally at 88 miles-per-hour!
….which I still believe we did!!
The train station had to be about maybe ten-fifteen kilometers out of the main city hub, but we got into the city center so fast the car had transformed into a gas molecule!
Geoff and I and Daisong got into this car which drove at an average speed of 4000 km-per-hour. Brick-Jaw, cool as can be, and never showed a facial tick. He passed people on the left; charged down buses; cleared the Trojans; conveniently assessed the sidewalks to be a passing lanes; and drove at such a speed and velocity and insanity that Geoff and I, once again, wondered to ourselves how it is that every car ride we take in this country of China always seems to try and TOP the previous one in the danger department!!! (They all drive crazy, but this was the Oscar!)
Brick Jaw even passed a moving AMBULANCE!!!!
I was thinking: “China: I GET THE POINT!!! YOU drive differently! THAN ANYONE! You drive ‘differently’ than the law-abiding, prudent, not-as-crazy-as-hell-like-you-are Canadians!!” I remember hearing that the drive from the hotel from the train station in Wengzhou is only supposed to be about an half-hour but it took us 8 minutes with Brick-jaw, missing only nothing, driving as fast can be in which EVERY LANE was made HIS and I swear to all heaven I need not ever take a roller-coaster ride again.
Geoff whispered to me: “Wow, and we thought GETTING into this car was scary….”)
….all cuddly Brick Jaw was missing was his blasting his “Alvin and The Chipmunks” soundtrack!
Why not? He already had 1/3 of the “Chipmunks” with him in the car! I.e. “Simon,” because I am pretty damn sure I was shrunk to the same size as the cartoon character and that my voice, after this car ride, came to sound JUST LIKE Simon the Chipmunk! It was amazing!
(Given the reason for being there, singing, you’d think my voice would be the thing to preserve!)
Either that or some blasting of RAMMSTEIN might’ve been appropriate.
But. Oh, wait.
There’s more!
We were not ALONE in the car either.
It wasn’t just Simon Seline; Geoff Mackay; Daisong; and Brick Jaw, as verbally made clear before:
Who else could the Minotaur be joined by?
Agent Brick-Jaw had himself a passenger in the front seat too!
She came along, because she wanted to be a part of picking us up!
She?
There was a well-dressed, older, Chinese woman sitting in the front seat.
….and she was not alone!
And the other person was not Brick Jaw.
There were three people in the front seat of this chariot of Chinese black fire.
The other was the woman’s TWO-YEAR-OLD child!!
As if….
She was as ambivalent about this car ride as she was as overjoyed by her child in her arms!
She was cheerfully and lightly and sweetly bouncing her baby UP AND DOWN!
RIGHT ON HER LAP!
NO CAR BABY SEAT!
Not like those pesky North American laws dictate!
NO!
WHAT WAS SHE THINKING????
Geoff and I are flabbergasted seeing this woman with her child, as we took street turns like the cars of a Bologna, Italy racetrack!
(We saw her the whole time, I just wanted to delay this part of the story for amusement!)
Know what boyhood dream I lost this day?
The dream every man/boy has of becoming a racecar driver.
I have sat IN a racecar before!
Except this SUV was FASTER than any known racecar!
BUT WITH A BABY!
Daisong, Geoff and I were just bewildered by this “casual Sunday Morning drive”, (even though it was a Thursday), as Brick-Jaw drove with the focused speed and determination of a bomb cutter.
I’d hate to see his reaction if any one of his gelled hairs dared come out-of-place….
(This was not his first drive, Daisong informed later on. That was MARGINALLY comforting!)
….and I thought all my failed driving tests were a big deal! Note the “s” in “testS!”
I think I’d have fared just FINE if I had taken my disastrous first driving test in Planet China!
I’d have then become “Simon Brick Jaw!”
The kid was having the time of his LIFE, I might add! He was smiling and laughing the whole way!
I remember saying: “Hey Geoff: Tell my Mom I love her!”
Geoff quipped: “Okay I’ll tell your Mom I love her!’
A shot look…
But wait: Who is this woman? We mustn’t open a plot thread without a resolution!
I had to ask Daisong this question as we passed ANOTHER slowpoke ambulance….
That was the moment.
She literally understood no English, and Daisong calmly explained she was the President’s Wife.
What?
I’m going to let that sink in.
What? The President?
Geoff and I, swerving to the beat, (‘We’re the Chipmunks! Doo… doo…”) then made a comedic eye contact in disgust as we mutually bellowed, (Our fear and panic now being overturned by confusion and further puzzlement) “WHAT? WHAT PRESIDENT?!”
Daisong then went on to explain she was the wife of the President of the Miss China International Beauty Pageant.
….riding with US.
….you know: Keeping it REAL!
She felt it was an honour in having us there.
So she wanted to personally welcome us!
Her and cuddles-with-kittens Brick-Jaw!
….and her kid.
…..with her toddler happily and freely pulling at the unfastened seatbelt.
Safety be DAMNED, yo’
You know: Keeping It Real!
…..Daisong then calmly explained….
…..as that oncoming public bus veered itself out of OUR way….
(We gave that bus more and more-real trouble than Dennis Hopper!)
She wanted to come into the car and ride with us so she could see and greet us in person.
Also, to, you know….:
Make sure we felt welcome.
Make sure we felt comfortable.
IN the speeding SUV with an unidentified “agent”; unrestrained infants; president’s wives; two dumb Canadians; restricted language; unknown geography; and no seatbelts in the backseat. Either.
China: where they make EVERYTHING!
But seatbelts in SOME cars!!
In the SUV that was driving faster that the Bullet train we just got off of; to call back for fun!
….because after all:
The “talent” was in the car!
* * *
The ride was over. Literally.
Not cosmically, though that came very close, at a lot of times, but literally.
We arrived at the hotel. The Shangri-La Hotel in Wengzhou.
We promptly and sweetly and without any actual understanding whatsoever: thanked both the President’s Wife; the world’s freest baby; and Brick Jaw; for the very, very unforgettable ride!
(Geoff whispered to me: “Still want me thank your mom?” I laughed.)
Brick Jaw nodded.
I am dubious as to whether any English was ever understood by my new friend….
We arrived at the hotel.
We learned later on that this was the marketing bill for the 51st Annual Miss China International Beauty Pageant in 2011 of Wengzhou, China:
“Famous Canadian Singers Simon Seline and Geoff Mackay are here from Canada! To perform in the Miss China International Competition: hoping every Chinese contestant can fulfill her dreams in this competition!”
Wow.
We were the “famous” stars that Daisong got from Canada.
The two “stars”: that Daisong convinced his girlfriend Lina to convince the Chinese TV studio to have come down to Wengzhou to perform at the Miss China International Beauty Pageant Commemorative Dinner/ Press Conference.
Oh, to be crystal clear again:
To SING at the Miss China International Commemorative Dinner/Press Conference.
As comedians.
I am not kidding you.
Neither Geoff; nor myself had EVER SUNG IN PUBLIC BEFORE AS ADULTS!
Except for when I am drunk at karaoke!
(Simon: “I sang in the choir in grade school.” Geoff: “I played bass in a band.”)
THIS WAS our rationalizations for us to be booked to come to Wengzhou!
Welcome, to the 2nd Act Everybody: It’s enough to make both Shakespeare and Hunter S. Thompson, between the opium joints, recite: “Dudes, what were you THINKING?!”
There was two little catches:
Nobody Spoke English! Not even Lina! Daisong’s sweet lady!
AND
The other tiny, itty-bitty, miniscule, microscopic catch/factor/detail:
I. CANNOT. SING!
But what difference did THAT make to Daisong?
Daisong: “They do comedy; so they must be able to sing!”
“I have swam before: get me into the cockpit!”
“I’m a carpenter; I wrote ‘would’ once.”
“I climb mountains; under the sea!”
Why need an axe if you’re going to chop down a tree?
….since Dasiong never bothered to ASK US THAT, eh?
Four days before this, Daisong called us at our barely-furnished apartment in Shanghai and asked us if we would like to SING at a CHINESE Beauty Pageant.
You know, since we were there.
What could go wrong?
Geoff and I, two adventurous rocker comedians out for all we can get in the Adventure-and Travel and Live-Your-Life-To-The-Fullest-gusto mindset-belief system, and I hope that made sense:
Politely posited: “WHAT?? You got to be kidding us!”
Daisong (excitedly):
“No guys it’ll be great! They’ll provide all the Transportation (Oh, had we known..) and put you up in a hotel and you get a free 7-course dinner! All you BOTH have to do is sing a song, but they cannot be the same song, though, (You think??) at the Big Press Conference Dinner after the Miss China models strut their stuff. It’ll be great exposure for the Miss China International Beauty Pageant, and you guys, to have two Canadian singing ‘stars’ perform on it!”
HOW CAN YOU SAY “NO” TO THAT SALIVATING NOTE??
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Cue the GODZILLA roar sound effect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many have even heard me sing at Karaoke after seven-too-many-crowns. I make no bones:
I am no Cher….
I am no Clapton….
Oh baby, though: the grill is hot, so let’s throw the meat on: Nothing like/but BALONEY!
….which I am not feeding you! As really, ask yourself: How could I have made any of this all UP? How could anyone??
That was that. It was ON!
Now: we had to pick the SONGS.
Well, everyone: I know how I roll, and I know women. By that I mean: I know OF women. Women are awesome.
Geoff picked the song: “Hello, I Love You” by the Doors because he is a pure rocker.
I chose something far more traditional and unwise. Something to woo the “Miss China” girls over, as I’m a heterosexual man (Imagine if I sung that cheesy 1990’s song?)!
Given I was going to be singing for MODELS IN A MISS CHINA INTERNATIONAL BEAUTY PAGEANT, whom would not speak English, and not knowing what would happen, I went with:
“MY GIRL” by THE TEMPTATIONS!
The 1961 Motown Classic. That if you don’t like it, then you simply haven’t listened to it today!
Simon Seline sang “My Girl” by the Temptations at a Chinese Beauty Pageant!!
Because of my “soulful” voice that squeaks if I find a dime on the ground on the same par when it squeaks when I am in an unearthly speeding SUV!
….and come hell or high-water or Brick Jaw:
Brick-Jaw made Damn SURE Geoff and I were going to get to the show so we could sing songs!
….AND the President even “sent” his wife and two-year-old son!
The Mission Cannot Fail!
Alas, we had also made it to the hotel!
(Quietly surprised, still, at the miracle of us having not died in a fiery, bleeding wreckage…. just like in my high school career….)
The Shangri-La Hotel. 5-Start Ritzy Hotel in the unknown city of Wengzhou.
We then checked in and was told our room weren’t ready. So Daisong calls up his girlfriend and she specifies that we could just go upstairs to the 12th floor and chill in her room until ours was ready.
So we do so.
We arrive upstairs only to walk in and there are two girls in the room. Sweet!
Daisong’s cute girlfriend Lina was one of them. She had a heart of gold.
I know this because for us just making this trek (literally and figuratively), she gave Geoff and I each a gift. She gave Geoff and I each two tiny, lovely, ornate Chinese Dragon ornaments. His stood for “Good Luck” and mine stood for “Good Fortune.” Completely unexpected and she had not even met us!
What a real gift. Shows that no matter where you are from: all humans are real decent and wonderful at heart and by choice.
The other girl,,,, in the room, was someone different. We also had not met her before. She was a drop-dead gorgeous Chinese girl whom smiled at us and was just chilling. Doing her nails. She painted them a bright Lamborghini red. Much like my nails!
Daisong promptly told us the girls spoke no English but his girlfriend could understand it but the other girl was as English-free as a Quebec smoker.
So I had to ask politely: “So, Daisong, who is she?”
He responded calmly: “Oh, she IS Miss China.”
Nonchalantly, we were informed of that.
Both Geoff and I’s eyes got even MORE ROUND as they popped out: “WHAT????”
“Oh, yeah. You guys are just chilling with Miss China for a little bit.”
(Is that ever a sentence anyone expects to be told when they first decide to pursue stand-up comedy??)
“Oh Yeah. My girlfriend is doing her hair and make-up in a few minutes, until then, you guys can just chill here. You know how it is.” Daisong said with a smile.
“You know how it is.” He said.
Chilling in a posh Hotel in a Chinese city I never heard of with Miss China International 2010. Yeah. Because THAT’S my everyday life back in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.
That’s every bar staff whom lives-in-a-basement’s daily routine.
I know: What the heck?!
So Geoff and I and Daisong sit down and “just chilled” indeed. We can’t quite talk with Miss China due to the language barrier, but she smiled at us and showed she is not a snob and a good person, too, and I smiled back her and she giggled.
Miss China giggled a lot in my direction.
Depending on anyone’s outlook of this: I am sorry, but how cool is that?
….My nose must be much bigger than I thought!
Ah, Girls: why are they all so awesome?
She smiled at us and did her nails. Later, she skipped into the bathroom with Lina and did her make-up and hair. Meanwhile, and Geoff and I and Daisong shoot the breeze until the hours of all of our near-demises, more so, wilt away into the sands and willows of Chinese time and space….. sigh….
Then, Daisong tells about the night.
Fine, Daisong-timing.
Once Again.
He tells us we will be sitting at a round table right beside the table with the President of the Miss China International Beauty Pageant and his wife; (Oh, don’t we know her!) the Mayor; and Miss China; the contestants/models vying for the coveted Miss China 2011 title; and a bunch of other super-important people to the event and of the city of Wengzhou.
Even the editor of the Wengzhou newspaper was there!
Why?
Because the day BEFORE our arrival, their big city newspaper advertised this event and it says in plain Chinese print neither Geoff or I could even read and we had to get Daisong to translate for us:
FAMOUS CANADIAN SINGERS GEOFFREY MACKAY AND SIMON SELINE WILL BE PERFORMING AT THE MISS CHINA INTERNATIONAL BEAUTY PAGEANT PRESS CONFERENCE IN WENGZHOU!
Lest we forget!
Thoughts run amok and astray:
I really should’ve got that shirt that misspells: “I’m Huge in AsSa!”
….because according to the PRINT MEDIA and Daisong, I really, really AM!!!
Who knew?!
Geoff and I couldn’t BELIEVE our eyes!
What am I going to tell my family?
To FORGET that other, Canadian, “Celine,” singer, eh?
ALL THIS TIME stealing MY Rightful title!
Singing and talking smack on MY WORLD TURF!
That there’s a new sheriff in town, and he lives close to Quebec? (Where Celine Dion is from!)
Vegas: Here I come next! Out with old “Celine” and in with the new “Seline”. (Though I thought I was in the Chinese “Vegas” already, though this one is just a little very-unknown!)
The hot ticket, baby!
…..as I clearly am the FAMOUS CANADIAN Singer TO this country, eh?
Thank you Daisong!
Where’s my Oscar for song-singing?
Where’s MY still-widely-“spoken-of”-Titanic soundtrack??
Where’s my dinosaur spouse? Where’re my long, spindly legs that couldn’t hold up a balloon animal??
(Oh wait: I already have those, but still….)
Thoughts wrap up.
It’s showtime!
* * *
6:00 pm rolls on.
Daisong; Geoff; myself; and Lina; and Lina has approved the shirt I am wearing.
(Miss China had gone down a long time before us.)
We head down to the grand, fancy, stately ballroom of the Shangri-La hotel.
We stride in and there are over 200 people in there.
Every. Single. Person. Is Chinese.
Geoff and I were the only two white people in the whole place/city/province.
I am not a racist but at this point in my Life: I have never been in a room where I was one of only two white persons. I am wonderfully used to seeing an amalgamation of races and faces, but wow: Geoff and I were the only two in there. The only two white stripes on the paved Asian road.
We were well in over our heads!
We could hardly believe what I was seeing and neither could Geoff as all the TV cameras were lined up; the lights were set; crewman everywhere; chandeliers; screens; and the decor was fabulous!
“Overt-u-u-ure, Curtains! Lights!
This is it! Tonight o’ nights!!!
With no more re-e-e-hearsing or nursing apart,
We know every part by heart!
With all our parts right here-re-re…
On with the show this is it!”
(Clearly, I don’t know all the lyrics to this song by heart. Hopefully I knew the lyrics to “My Girl” by heart, though. However, total transparency: I only mastered those mere HOURS before the show!)
(Imagine if I sung the “Bugs Bunny and Tweety theme” instead? In full? How would that fly?)
That’d be awesome! Especially since it is so sexy to women that I DO know that song by “heart!”
Guys: you can learn a lot from Simon.
Hence why I still wonder what a 2nd date might be like, someday….
We take our seats. At the Miss China International Beauty Pageant Conference. At a nice round table with lots… of fine china! (bad-dum-tssschht!!)
There are lots of presentations and grand speeches.
Geoff and I have no idea what anyone is saying. That is okay. They are supplying lots of liquor and lots of food. I am more of a beer swiller, but very complimentary liquor is always quite welcomed!
Geoff mentions to Daisong that since we have no idea what exactly is going on, on a linguistic or discernable level, (not the first time..) Geoff asked Daisong to help let us know when our cue will be. Daisong nodded accordingly. He tells us it will be shortly after the models go on-stage and do their thing.
A few minutes later:
Miss China: live; luminescent; gorgeous, (As all women are, tiara or not!) graces the stage.
She smiles. She nods. She waves. She strides. She poises elegantly. She is wearing a gorgeous grey dress. Very lovely black shoes, I think.
This was the first time either or Geoff or I had ever been to a Miss China Beauty Pageant. They are not very frequent in Ottawa. It was a grand, beautiful event with very lovely women!
I say that as then: ALL THE MISS CHINA MODELS COME OUT!
One-by-one: hey walk down the catwalk. Strut their stuff and Damn! They looked good!
I get as nervous as all hell. But: it is not the usual kind of nervous I get; when in the presence of beautiful women; this had more of a dread to it.
Suddenly, this inner, inexplicable dread and exhilaration fused into one busting pipe.
Daisong taps me on the shoulder.
I get the nod.
The nod of death.
A Tap: A metaphorical joke in Western society and in Mafia movies. Something very real in Communist China. As: as I saw there and then: Daisong was as nervous as I was!
A fool’s ruse was to be fused!
See: I was going to go on first!
I was going on next.
I am starting to internally freak out and then it hits me:
WHAT AM I ABOUT TO DO?!
GO ON NATIONAL CHINESE TV AND SING A MOTOWN SONG?! BADLY?!
I CANNOT SING!!
OH! MY GOODNESS!
THIS IS AWESOME!
So totally one of the wildest and stupidest things I will have ever done, but Hey:
No Guts; No Glory!
….and No Guts: No 7-Course Chinese 5-star meal! I’m thin because I eat chips! And paint chips!
We had eaten an appetizer during the blustering indecipherable speeches, and I didn’t even know it was an actual Barbequed Duck Tongue! I had eaten five of them! Until Daisong asked if I even knew what I was even eating!!!!! I said to him: “I decided to never ask that very question here in China!”
I try to rationalize, but oh Lord: It was coming. The storm started in my stomach.
…..the Cat got my “Tongue!”
I have to belch, but I can’t! I am RIGHT beside the cameras! I can’t do that!
I can’t embarrass myself by belching.
No….
Instead I will just go on TV and sing a song with no prior training or talent like a foreign buffoon.
At a Nationally-televised event! In China!
How could I make this UP?
Ah, lest we forget, my old pal BRICK JAW!
Brick-jaw was looking right at me concerned at why I was starting to sweat.
He was counting each of the nerves that my face was showing; visually and internally.
Yes: he was at the table beside us with the radiant Miss China!
His trained perception (What is having that like?) is starting to suspect that I may not be all that I am cracked up to be…. despite that I am “cracked!”
Gasp! Could I maybe be an imposter?!
Could a stupid foreigner in an unknown land have an ulterior motive????
Say it isn’t so!
Next thing I’ll be told is that stuff gets made in China!
Unlike Brick Jaw, his glare boring into my soul, many-a-single-hair on my head were out-of-place.
Oh, Calamity….
So I quickly scan around in hoping to find some sort of inspiration! Some sort of relief!
I have to act fast. Sing faster. Acclimatize fastest!
Some kind of,,, more,, coersion,,, some reason to just go through with this debacle of lunacy….
I know I have to go on because the old saying goes: ‘THE SHOW MUST GO ON!’
I came way too far, literally and mentally and dangerously, to back down now!
I’ve got to be a MAN! (What does that even mean??)
It means there were Miss China models at stake!!
How many Miss China models and future Miss Chinas’ dreams will I “help achieve” back home??
It’s now or never!
They, and Lina, approved MY SHIRT! Even! Dammit!
(You’re thinking: “How bad was this shirt? That it even elicits an entry point into all of this??” The answer to that is this 80’s movie reference: ‘”Did he get it off of Bernie?!”)
Oh, Why?? Why did I go to China??
Why did I say I had to be the one to GO ON FIRST??
(Was it a life-long crusade of continuation stemming from when I was the first of my friends in high school to go Bungee-Jumping that fateful, (As-fateful-was-this-day, too!), day in B.C.?! In 2000?!)
Why did I have to be the first to agree to both go to China and to go on to this “Miss China” gig?
Why did Geoff brilliantly UN-insist he be the first??
Why am I always the first to walk the plank??
“Simon, you ski over that jutting ridge first and tell us how it is after!”
“Simon: you eat that green fungus in the fridge first and tell us how it is!”
“Simon: you jump off the bridge/platform/rock first and we’ll see how that goes!”
“….if you survive!”
Not One Fictional Sentence/Scenario!
I think what I am about to tell you may be crazier than when I WENT Bungee-Jumping in B.C.!
(B.C.: Which beautifully may or may not have more Chinese people than China!)
So I look around to get something on my mind to take it off my stomach; an inspiration.
A Raison D’Etre! A Push!
Then I see:
HER!
Cute-as-Ever: HER!
And, No:
She is NOT the stupendous, luminous Miss China! Only a feet away!
No: Not Lina!
No: Not Geoff!
No: Not Brick Jaw! (But, maybe..)
No: DEFINITELY not the President’s Wife!!
Also a few feet away! Smiling away the day with her ba-bay!!
No, it is another random, high-cheek-boned Chinese cutie with a French braid at the table beside us, sitting beside Miss China, (Which should be a clue!) whom is absolutely stunning.
I’ll call her “Courtside” because of where she was sitting. Right by the stage.
“Courtside” was sitting right beside the catwalk! Right by my table! Also: All smiles!
(Inspiration stemming from the sight of a beautiful woman. I am all “firsts” for sure!)
I am an old-school, blood-fueled man. Though I feel, I also feel upon seeing her, that she was why I went ahead and,,,,:
I FUCKING DID IT!
I SANG!
I heard the speaker speak some Chinese, then she said my name.
I walked to the stage.
It was a no gallop; but it was not an invisible saunter or a professional stride like Miss China.
Nerves shed off my body like drips fly off when we walk out and from a shower.
I make it on-stage.
FIRST!
I am standing on a stage; in a ballroom of a grand hotel in a city I have no idea where is; as a comedian about to sing an old Motown song to an audience on TV: millions of miles away from anyone and everything I hold dear; with a language barrier between everyone present; surrounded by models!
I hadn’t even shaved!
Wow.
Perplexing.
Applause.
Undue adulation.
….with no damn “Dion” added at all.
….and seconds before I went on I had looked square into Geoff’s video camera and chimed:
“I have the hiccups!”
….and maybe I had to burp….
….or maybe it was a fart….
I held it all in.
Now the man of the hour! The blue-eyed, blonde tall Canadian doofus on-stage surrounded by all awesome Chinese people!
….and models!
Oh. They were looking, too!!
It was a point-of-no-return.
….and I took the microphone.
I stepped up to the mic and sang….
….and my Canadian voice rang;
….with that Aryan twang! (Not racist, just lyrical)!
….because you know a Miss China International Beauty Pageant is going to be “great” when they put ME on!
AFTER ALL THE GIRLS have strutted the catwalk!
I breathed. Barely.
I took the mic and walked Centre Stage right at the Catwalk.
….and then that familiar, rhythmic, Motown bass slowly seeped into the air….
Da Doo Doo…
Da Doo Doo… Guitar. Twang. Violin.
And:
I SANG ‘MY GIRL!’ (NOT like the Temptations do) but I SANG MY GIRL!
IN CHINA!
I went up and never missed a lyric!
(Actually, I missed many-a-points, but no lyrics!)
Those hours of earlier-that-very-day-memorizing-them pulled through!
You notice I did not use the expression “I never missed a beat” because that is a big, fat, musical lie!
THAT was captured on TV!
THAT was captured by the Media!
THAT was captured by Communists!
THAT was captured by the World!
THAT my musical “ability” was a “glorious” travesty and a laughingstock: Now enshrined!
I missed MANY beats!
Musically, and cognitively!
I got up there and sang into the mic: “passionate;” tone-deaf; and gloriously stupid; and even looked upon the nearby and lovely Chinese “Courtside” and I SERENADED HER!
She wasn’t even one of the models! (As I was soon to mysteriously find out..)
“Courtside” was just an unbelievably cute girl!
….whom was there. Much like me. Just there.
Or so it seemed.
She was much easier on the eyes than Brick Jaw!
I sang right to her and “sang” I did!
She turned away halfway….
She turned away from me.
She was laughing!
That was okay.
(“Take that, Bon Jovi!” I thought.)
(Did I mention how bad my memorization problems were before? I hadn’t even had “My Girl” MEMORIZED up until 45 minutes earlier!)
I got up and never missed one line! I had A LOT of fun!
…though-no-one-in-that-room-including-MYSELF-will-EVER-hear-“My Girl”-the-same-after-my flat-hack-butchering-of-beauty-and-of-the-musical-Beauty-still-everyone-had-fun! I think! In my mind! In the moment!
This was not the show or the performance I’d use to audition for “The Lullaby of Broadway!”
In noticing Courtside turn away, laughing; I quickly glanced one foot over: THERE SHE WAS!
MISS CHINA!
LAUGHING AND CLAPPING AND “DELIGHTED” AS CAN BE! The quotation marks may be unjust unto me, but Miss China was having a good time! Even though Miss China and I did not speak the same language, the buffoonery and sound of bad singing and bad dancing knows no linguistic limit. She was laughing at the human comedy of it all. What comedian can say they entertained Miss China? LIVE! LITERALLY! SHE WAS GENUINE! I WAS GENUINE—LY BAD BUT STILL!
She was enamoured!
….because I even DANCED!
I UPPED THE UNTALENTED ANTE!!
OH GOD, NO!
OH GOD, YES!
If you thought my SINGING was bad….
I was right in the moment.
Mr. Random Man I am.
….and I even danced and snapped my fingers like an old-school entertainer! Stomach intact!
I was up there for 2-3 minutes, singing and dancing to Motown like a crinkly, drunk puppet; in China. Having the time of my life; un-oblivious to the spectacle of my being utterly goofy and laughable.
I am not one toot my own horn, but I was spectacular! Spectacularly bad: I got heads scratching!
In a room full of people and professionals whose language I did not understand, and vice-versa!
I have never done anything this crazy before in my Life. Ever. Very few have. I cannot make any bones about it. I did this in Wengzhou: a city I still will never find on a map, and I am pretty worldly!
I got off -stage and since all my focus was on the beautiful girl “Courtside” and, of course, Miss China, the truth was I failed to look at any of the OTHER 200 ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED faces in the crowd.
Despite the aforementioned, I had no clue in my mind how ATROCIOUSLY TERRIBLE I WAS!!
ATROCIOUS! APPALLING! BAD! ABYSMAL! AWFUL! TONE-DEAF! (It’s like I am reading every film review of every M. Night Shyamalan movie he’s made since 2004!)
People were horrified at that the “Famous Canadian Singer!”
Carnival music had more soul! Its precision could’ve garnered more respect!!
Elevator music would switch itself if off if it were me!
Then came Geoff.
Geoff, my good buddy in stand-up comedy, (which, here we should have done intentionally), he went up right up right after me.
He was not AS BAD.
However….
The SOUND to his gritty, great Doors song was turned up so loud and obstreperously it drowned out his voice, and he had to follow the wonderful, “SPECTACULAR” train wreck of me, so he bombed.
Geoff had more gusto, more rocker verve; he fits-and-started and owned the whole catwalk.
I did not even venture past the catwalk starting point! My dance was snapping my fingers.
Though I owned it myself, I must say. It’s something to own the deliciously delirious moment!
Geoff was better; but his singing was pretty much as much of a tire fire as mine was!
Geoff did not dance though, he strut; so he had lot more class. (At one point, Geoff told me later, he wasn’t even sure if they were even playing the right song! I told him neither was the audience!)
The two stupendously dumb “Famous Canadian Singers” sure did give the audience, (and city and province and TV audience of all China), a show they won’t soon forget!
All this reminds me of that climactic line from the underrated and dark 1983 Scorsese/De Niro comedy “The King Of Comedy”: “It’s better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime!”
BUT make no mistake: we are laughing and laughing and laughing about it all so much NOW…
Because we survived. Somehow.
When Geoff got down, he was as dumbfounded as I was, but equally not-the-same-dumbfounded as our perplexed audience. The applause that followed was so palpably “polite.”
The faces, bestowed upon, bellowed beautifully:
“What had they come out for?”
“Who was responsible for putting US on?”
“What did all models think?” (I certainly could see what ONE of them thought!)
“What did the producers think?”
“Who were the producers?”
“Shouldn’t someone have cut their mics?? Especially after that first guy?”
“What was on that guy’s shirt?”
“What were these clowns thinking???”
“Who are ‘the Temptations?’”
“How were we part of this?”
“How is all of this supposed to help the beauty contestants ‘achieve their dreams?’”
“Were ALL Canadian “singers” completely untalented imposters like these ‘gentlemen???’”
“Do Canadians have any shame? Or Pride? Or Talent?”
“What are Canadian standards and components to, and of, singing?”
“Should we let these guys LIVE, after this??”
“Hey Brick Jaw: how about a vanishing act? Of two….”
“Maybe our Chinese prisons need a few new additions….”
I could never know. I will never know.
This whole time I was up there I never once glanced at Daisong. Or Brick jaw. Or the President’s wife. I almost forgot about them. They are all lovely; but they were upstaged, somehow…
Geoff joined me at the table.
Another announcer came up and started speaking in Chinese.
(As Geoff walked off-stage, we were pretty sure the announcer said: “GEOFFY!”)
Neither one of us even knew just HOW colossally bad we had bombed… ….yet.
We still had a performance high going in our goofball minds.
(Maybe it was all of that complimentary alcohol, or some duck tongue residual effects….)
We lost ourselves in the moment and the fun of performing! Despite….
As I came off-stage: both a delusional part of me and a delusional part of Geoff thought we killed it because we’re guys and we just sang at a Miss China Beauty pageant and so we’re dumb.
Many of the other models were giggling at us. (Not quite the memorable way Miss China was!)
Amidst the laughter, this was made clear to me in beautiful, cosmic timing:
Another well-dressed young woman came up to both Geoff and I and handed us each her business card. For Real! It was to a Music Talent agency in Beijing. It was called, at least to my knowledge: “BMI MUSIC Limited.”
But this woman locked eyes with me; like a camera focus. She talked to me specifically.
So, without breaking eye contact, I asked:
“Hey Geoff: Did we just get a record deal?”
Even Geoff laughed at that. He nodded an unconfident “Maybe.…”
Then the girl started speaking, and Daisong the Gentleman swooped in, (“Inexplicably” absent during the fiasco!), and they spoke.
This was what she said:
Even Daisong (whom had a spray-painted look of total fear) could not stifle his brief giggle as he reiterated and translated what was in-no-way-maliciously-said to me in an unbroken eye contact:
“Hello. I am a MAKE-UP artist. And I think you could REALLY, REALLY BENEFIT FROM MY WORK!”
Wow.
You should have seen the way SHE SMILED when she spoke!
The glee….
She owned every (potential) word!!
I bomb; and then get told I am ugly: BEAUTIFUL!
China has a “style” all its own, eh?
Was the second “really” necessary?
Did she “really” say that, or was that Daisong having a little translational fun?
Was this Daisong having a brief moment for himself, before the storm was about to hit?? (If so: Good on him!)
But hey: help is help! (?)
If my mug is inadvertently seeking this kind of much-needed “work”, then I must be doing something right in when I am doing something colossally wrong, eh?
(Whatever that “something” could possibly have been in all this!!)
I smiled at the woman, nodded; took her card; put in my pocket, and headed back to my seat.
I glanced back at Daisong.
He sat down too.
His fear returned.
I had forgotten about Daisong, though.
Daisong. My pal.
I don’t quite know what he was thinking (ah, what cheerful music to my ears….) but I think he was very, very nervous and unsure about what could come next. I think he knew it was a damned-if-you-do and a damned-if-you-don’t scenario for him. Perhaps he learned a costly lesson, as a booking agent: to screen the talent before promoting it. I wish I could say the same of myself. If we did it and bombed: repercussions! But after all the press and promotion of us salaciously being there, if we had not done it, or Daisong had cancelled us; how badly would that look for him? (I wisely did not look at the President’s Wife once in this aftermath, hoping she was as oblivious to how bad we were as her son was to the car ride! I did remember the way she smiled at us, holding her unfastened baby, speeding to this event! Part of me wondered if that smile might still be there…) I could never know. I can only speculate. However: what I do know for an unalterable fact is Daisong gave Geoff and I the best and craziest story of our lives! Daisong got us all into a hell of a lot of trouble, but he survived; and so did we; and we managed to live to see our moms again. Though I was wary about Geoff.…
Oh. But wait.
Hold on:
Geoff and I bombed and we didn’t mind. (Once we tasted fresh Canadian air miraculously again.)
There was more.
It was not over.
Not by a long shot.
Despite every aspect of this whole shebang being-a-long-shot-and-a-half-and-then-some!
Let’s get back to REVVING IT! BRICK JAW-STYLE!!!
After the make-up girl in-all-Asian-sweetness-and-“politeness” called me “really, really (Never gets old) in need of her make-up work”: I glanced over at ol’ Brick Jaw. He had a complacent, unreadable face; and it made me think of when he was driving/unsmiling earlier, he was in a GOOD mood! I think…
I can only imagine him having to drive me and Geoff and Daisong next, and him being pissed off:
What will the driving be like THEN????
If he even will drive these three goofballs at all, or again….
I nervously smiled at him, and Brick Jaw changed face.
He shrugged his shoulders and winked me a “Hey, you still did it!’ look.
Cool.
I can state with the purest joy I was HAPPY to be in Brick Jaw’s good graces (still?)!!!
Despite all this: there were lots of people whom were NOT smiling in my direction!
(I was also happy that the whole time my rising bile didn’t emerge into that huge belch I had to swill back DURING my number!)
I’m thinking now, what would have been a lot WORSE than being tone-deaf, is if:
I went up there and BURPED INTO the mic? Or farted?
….like the REAL Temptations were known for doing?
In front of these 200 rich Chinese strangers??
In front of the Models?
On Chinese TV?
How would Courtside and Miss China have liked THAT?
Would Brick Jaw be smiling then? Would anyone?
Whether you’re a scrawny, stupid, not-cynical, courageous, happy-go-lucky, self-indulgent untalented, jittery wannabe-singer-whom-somehow-got-his-dumb-butt-singing-in-front-of-Chinese –sophisticates-and-Chinese-models-in-a-city-THE-EARTH-hasn’t-even-heard-of, sometimes:
You still manage to do right: not-burp and not-fart onstage! Or on TV!!
Those are merits, right?
(I am not Homer Simpson. Though my intellect and foresight…)
As we near the conclusion of this gaspingly true tale:
Geoff and I are sitting down at our table. Devouring more unidentifiable and yummy food!
Wisely not making too much eye contact with anyone else over dinner, as Daisong informs us what a travesty we were and that from what he’s overheard:
What the make-up girl said was about the nicest-thing-said-about what we’ve done!
There was a seething air in the room. Finding a positive review of our performances was like trying to find a positive review of “Battlefield Earth!”
The President, though, finally made an appearance!
Though I was not really anticipating or excited for it, given all of the time I spent with his wife. (Wait a minute…)
The President: an older Chinese man, gracious and hammered, but thrilled to have these two FAMOUS CANADIAN “Singers” at his event came up to us. He gave us a bottle of swanky Chinese liquor in “commemorating” our performances, even though his wife is scowling at us. (She sure seemed tempted to make us “disappear” now…)
He might have enjoyed much of the bottle he was giving to us himself….
“It really wasn’t THAT bad, was it?” I naively pondered, again.
We were about to get taught the meaning of that.
So Geoff and I each have a shot of this 200$ Chinese booze with the President, (Ah, drinking with the “President” now, Simon?? This just keeps getting better and better!)
It is a potent liquor.
But: BLAH!!!! It was a yucky, yucky, gag-inducing expensive hard liquor. Tasted like pollution.
(My two cents: “If my performance had a literal taste to it….” and “Now I know what everyone in that room “tasted” as they heard me sing.)
But amidst this self-deprecation: remember I still had a lot of fun!
We just had that shot which really got to Geoff and I and it was then that the crowd started cheering and applauding.
There was a commotion.
Geoff asked Daisong what was going on.
He had a sheepish, reluctant look on his face. It was telling.
Geoff and I lowered our forks. We had a strange feeling.
It was not over.
Turns out: there was another ACT after us.
Who else could it be?
Daisong wisely responded in no way.
But Yes:
“Courtside!”
Remember Courtside?!
French-braid Chinese cutie; sitting beside Miss China; whom was one of the reasons I managed to get through it and not-suck-even-more-so? (If anyone can believe that..)
Well, guess what?
We see her gracefully float onto the stage… and take the mic….
We hear music.
Geoff. And. I. Draw. A. Thought.
“Wait a minute…”
That split-second proves us right.
Right as rain.
SHE STARTS SINGING!!!!
She takes to the mic and starts singing! In Chinese!
….and she sings BEAUTIFULLY!!!!
She sings like I wanted to throw every positive adjective and adverb at her that is synonymous with “harmoniously” and “gorgeously!”
THE WHOLE CROWD WAS CHEERING!
THIS applause was not “polite!” It was emphatic!!!
MISS CHINA was almost crying, she was so moved!
(It would have been a different meaning of “crying” if I saw her crying during my set!)
The crowd was shouting: “YOU’RE NOT THEM!!! YOU’RE NOT THEM!!! THANK YOU!”
….I think.
(Ah, what ironically wonderful BLISS ignorance of another language is…)
The President and his wife were RAISING their glasses!
One in each hand!
So was their son!!
Brick Jaw was grooving with his trademark no-animation!
The throngs of jubilant swaying and admiration that cascaded through this crowd was operatic.
Geoff and I… motionlessly… were regaling, too, in her soprano, piquant gorgeous voice.
There was a “bit of” a difference in the crowd reaction compared to how they reacted to Geoff and I!
“You’d think a performer, Me, whom WATCHES crowd reactions for a LIVING, might have noticed how I was much worse than I thought! But: NOW…”
Now I know why “Courtside” turned away from me! (More so..)
It was not like the usual reasons girls turn away from me.
It was not the reaction that I usually receive!!!
“Courtside” was A REAL POP STAR!!!!
….and she was BOOKED to perform this show.
….this pageant.
….this TV Press conference,
THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!
When I first noticed it was “Courtside,” the girl I was eyeing, on-stage, whom was now on-stage herself, singing like a talented artist can and would, with grace and heart:
Just WHAT was in that shot of liquor I was just served??
Was the president trying to poison me?
(Or was it his wife the whole time?)
Did Brick Jaw really smile?
Was this liquor Brick jaw trying to complete the “job” he “started” in the “drive” from earlier?
….because it was working!
….and it worked fast!!
“Courtside” (her real and lovely name being Lisa Ai) gave a great, moving performance and I was as moved as can be by the musicality of her voice.
I felt ashamed finally. And for the first time this night.
The stinging politeness of the applause I “got” earlier felt even more hollow. It was awesome; but I was still one hack imposter compared to this very real talent performing right now before me!
I glanced at Geoff.
He locked eyes with me. He was a bull.
He was as dumbfounded as I was…. at the truth.… coming together before us…. that we were never told about.
“DAISONG!!!” (Reiterated in our eyes and breaths like when realizing-Seinfeld says: “Newman!”)
Oh. He heard us.
S: “YOU HAVE REAL POP STARS HERE, DAISONG????
D: “Yes. But you’re ‘international!’”
G: “You didn’t think to tell us there were real singers here?”
D: “Well, Lisa Ai is popular here….”
S: You didn’t think to TELL US this??????
G: “Yeah Man. What Gives? She is great! We’re not!”
S: “WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS MEAN NOW?”
D: “You may be asked to not be seen for the rest of the night, entirely.”
G: (laughing) “‘May be asked’, Daisong, or: ‘absolutely will not be” seen for the rest of the night? ‘Entirley?’”
D: “That.. has.. not yet been determined.”
S (laughing) “We were so bad at singing; that everyone is so disgusted by us; that.. we may disappear??’”
Geoff and I look at each other.
We know the Chinese can and would do this. But we look fearlessly. Both our brains: “COOL!!!!”
G: “Did you KNOW Lisa Ai was on the show and IS THIS GOOD?!?’
D (sheepishly): “Yes..”
S: (repeatedly) “Why didn’t you tell US?!”
G: “Yeah man. You could have told us, like a week ago! Or today! And, like, not sprung this on us! Like this! After we made ourselves the laughingstocks we were. Like, some more context would have been great; instead of we just sprung our stupid selves onto this crowd and surprised them! Badly.”
D: “Uh, I forgot.”
Our eyes. Unconvinced.
S: “She was sitting 5 feet away!”
G: “We did this ON TELEVISON, Daisong!”
S: “In front of people whose clothes are worth more than I make!”
G: “And there are Miss Models here. How impressed do you think they really are, now? By us? Compared to what they are seeing now? Lisa Ai is killing it! We sure didn’t! They’re all hot, man!”
S: “Geoff has the most IMPORTANT point made right there, Daisong!”
We all glanced over at the table of models and the still –exhilarated Miss China. She did see me look at her; smiled at me; waved; and then tuned back to Lisa Ai.
Also saw the President. Held up his glass. Gave a weird look of “What could this mean later?!”
D: “Maybe it’ll all just be forgotten about. Maybe.”
G: “You just told us out lives are in danger, and you think THAT could be ‘just forgotten about?’”
S: (nervously; laughingly) “That is pretty damn funny, Geoff. If you think about it.”
G: “I agree, Simon. But Daisong: next time …and I say that very optimistically… let us know if there something like a phenomenally-talented singing performer following us! Before we crap the bed!”
D: “Okay. Well, at least we get alcohol!”
G: “Agreed!”
We raised a “Cheers!” But Geoff was not through. Neither was I.
G: “Daisong: we kind of stand out, man!”
S: “Unmusically, too!”
D: “Not too many people saw this other than this room, guys. I think.”
G: “Except those TV cameras and their live broadcast, Daisong!”
S: “And the President and his wife and their bodyguard are all above any law!! As we saw!!”
Daisong is breaking into a sweat, and I see him getting fearfully upset, but the truth about how both Geoff and I REALLY felt was we were not mad at all. It was all so cool! We eased up after all this.
I just performed; SPECTACULARLY bad; on this live show; ON TV; and that was too funny and will always be too funny for words!
I will always have this amazing story to tell to strangers when I travel; or to children I may or may not ever have!
Both Geoff and I are still having trouble believing it!
There was no point to being mad (despite the death threat) so we cooled the engines.
We just smiled sincerely, watched the rest of Lisa Ai, and assured: “It is okay, Daisong. Don’t fret. It’s actually quite great that you had a real pop star on after us. And it is good for the crowd and the show because, well, we sucked. And we know it.”
That was when the ball dropped.
Harder.
Further.
The record stopped.
I meant to be reassuring.
Now I had not just tied up the cartoon woman; I placed her right on the train tracks!
Daisong’s eyes gave him away.
Daisong grew even MORE nervous.
His eyes gave him away like a kid caught sneaking into presents before Christmas.
Even though I had just employed a grandfatherly and appreciative tone:
Geoff, quick-as-he-is, noticed which word I used that sweat Daisong.
It was the word “A.”
The preposition that is “A.”
The lone “A.”
It is not just a letter.
(These past four letters would make a great tagline/slogan for a movie poster.)
Geoff: “She isn’t the only one. Is she. Daisong?”
Daisong gulped.
I go bug-eyed.
“You have EVEN MORE singers here tonight?!”
“Will they help make us ‘disappear,’ Daisong?” Geoff joked.
D: “Well, She, Lisa Ai, is what you guys would call the Middle act. The real star has yet to come out and he will on in a few minutes. His name is Yuen Ye.”
G: (popping his eyes) “Oh Boy.”
S: “WHAT? Did you forget THAT, too, until now?”
D: “Nooo, him I deliberately ‘forgot.’ I just well figured it may distract you to know there was another male singer. An actual singer; (“An ‘actual’ singer Geoff and I repeated to ourselves.) and well, that I know: he is one of the biggest singers in China!”
G (laughing): “Wow. Daisong. You know how to forget good, don’t you?”
I am flabbergasted.
I am as horrified as the crowd was at me!
But it was still funny!
Geoff and I glanced at each other with crazy eyes: ONE OF THE BIGGEST SINGERS IN CHINA!!
THE MOST POPULACE COUNTRY!
There are more people in China than Ottawa!
S: “Is he better than Lisa Ai?”
D: “Well, the women may like him more than her; and you, but for different reasons, though.”
Geoff and I look at each other.
That could only mean one thing.
This guy was going to be beautiful. Too.
I guess this Yuen Ye guy won’t “really, REALLY benefit from the services” of the make-up artist!!
(Hey, wait a minute, did Daisong just burn us? If so: Good on him!)
I blurted out: “Daisong! You burning beauty!! (“What?” said Geoff.) Are you telling us you got us ‘singing’ at a Miss China International Beauty Pageant when one of the biggest male stars in Asia was already booked for it? This is madness! Even though I have never heard of him? This Yuen Ye?”
Daisong smiled. “Yup! I figured I’d get two huge acts from Canada on with a huge act in China! It adds international flair! It will make for a show! How about that for a show?!”
Geoff: “Don’t worry, Simon we’ll headline the next Bluesfest! Or WE will headline the NEXT unknown-city Miss International China conference or pageant. Make us more ‘international!’”
Simon: “Geoff: do we even known what ‘international” even means anymore?”
Geoff: “It means we suck; and we’re going to suck even more after this next guy goes up!”
Simon: “Yeah, we’ll be the next CREED.”
Geoff laughed.
Daisong didn’t.
Only rocker Geoff got the reference I made to that terrible 90’s band.
We had the most puzzled facial expressions! We didn’t know if they were of laughter, anger, frustration, or relief! Or all of them!
Just like the reactions to my shirt; whenever anyone saw my shirt of a black, long-sleeved deceptively classy button-up that actually comported a cheesy; fake; striped; laminated; loose tie imprinted onto the front of it!!
Maybe it wasn’t just my face that needed “really REALLY improving”; but my wardrobe, too!
So I break the ice again: “Daisong: That is AWESOME!”
We all smiled. Enjoyed more yummy food. I wasn’t sure if it was wriggling still on my plate.
Lisa Ai is off-stage.
The jubilant throngs of the crowd and the extension of their love and admiration need not be recovered.
The data was in for that!
It was genuinely awesome.
No make-up-artist-business-cards flying her way!
That dubious distinction went to the “INTERNATIOAL” guests.
Miss China: ever-the-professional, still smiles at me.
The President: still drunk and still threatening. His son, too.
Brick Jaw: coolest professional ever. Making sure no one is getting too close to the talent.
It was a good 10 minutes when then:
Unexpectedly: Lisa Ai walks up to US and she hands us each her CD.
She then autographed it.
She was a classy gal. That Lisa Ai.
Lisa autographed her cd and gave it to me as a gift!
I thought it was very genuinely sweet and she “cheersed” me and smiled at me.
Not evilly or even laughingly (unless she was very good at “polite applause”); but just sweetly.
Then she addressed Daisong; they spoke for a minute; glanced at me; then glanced back.
But still smiling!
“What new, physical, problem do I have NOW?” I cheerfully thought.
Daisong translated:
That she, Lisa Ai, was now asking me for my album!
Wow.
All my “greatest hits.”
A copy is in every car.
Annoying every patient in every waiting room.
Wow.
Since I now had a copy of hers, it seems only honorable that she gets a copy of mine, eh?
I was speechless!
So I jokingly smiled, and… even Daisong was laughing… …and Geoff was too…
I sweetly “informed” Lisa that I “forgot” all mine “back home.”
She spoke some more, and Daisong translated: “She said she is sorry she cannot get a copy of your music. She is wondering what it might’ve sounded like!”
“I’m extremely curious about that myself, Daisong!”
Cluelessly: to my instantaneous horror Daisong was about to immediately translate THAT!
“DAISONG! THAT WAS AN IN-JOKE! DON’T SAY THAT!” -he stopped- “That was an inside-joke-language-barrier-benefit-joke, if that makes sense! Geez!”
Thennnnnn, Daisong got it. He laughed.
I stopped him in the nick of time!
(Geoff laughing hard) “Haven’t we put our foots in our mouths enough, tonight, Simon??”
Ignoring the poorly-footed grammar: I shot Geoff a fiery look of total agreement.
I asked Daisong to say: “Thank you so much. It was an honour to be here tonight. With you.”
As Daisong translated, he did not see or hear me say to Geoff: “What do you know, Geoff, I ended up getting a ‘record deal’ after all!”
Geoff laughed hard. He curiously was not offered a copy of Lisa Ai’s cd. Maybe I made more of an “impact” than I thought….
Daisong may translated that. (Or, at least I hope he didn’t.)
Lisa spoke again.
Daisong translated how Lisa hoped I would get home safe (“So do we!” Geoff and I and Daisong mutually agreed) someday, (Wait? ‘Someday??’) and that she will get a copy of my album.
My singing album.
In all its “potential” and “glory.”
I chuckled and I chortled: “Yes, because mine went triple platinum! Especially with ‘Titanic!’”
Geoff and Daisong laughed. I nodded that what I would say next is what I wanted Daisong to respectfully translate: “Someday soon! Thank you very much! It would be an honour!”
S: “I don’t think anyone else in this room would think of asking us for that. That’s a good thing for us! No further disappointments for them!
G: “Yeah, apart from what we have already done!”
Then we all agreed that after tonight, should we get to choose….: We should never go back to Wengzhou. The lovely frauds we are. Meanwhile mostly everyone at the congregation uniformly and informally shared the same sentiment. Unless, of course, Miss China… had something to add….
Luckily nothing never happened to Daisong or his girlfriend Lina, by the way.
They came out just fine even though she was rightfully quite mad at Daisong for suggesting us without RESEARCHING whether we could sing or not and then never thought to tell us about the other singers, too!!
Geoff and I learned something too: we’re even more nuts than we thought.
We never expected any of this, but hey: Go for the Gusto!
How could anyone expect any of this: when they want to do something as “simple” as make a fool of themselves doing comedy?
Telling jokes and bad karaoke should not lead to getting live death threats from the Chinese!!
(Cue the NBC “The More You Know “ rainbow….)
But how could we resist? We did it because look at this silly long story that unspooled!!
Geoff and I got the “good luck” of getting to SURVIVE all this, and good ol’ Brick Jaw’s driving lesson (“Don’t THINK you can do ANY of what I am doing!”). Geoff and I got the “good fortune” of well, getting to unwisely scarf down some duck tongue before singing and NOT making even more of an ass of myself via undue bodily excretion!! I had a great belch and fart in the bathroom much, much later on!
This story and living can’t be taken away from me! (“Oh. Yeah?” said Chinese “President”)
Oh, but did we forget about the MALE singer?
No. How could we?
Yuen Ye came out!
He did NOT need any “really, REALLY” improving.
He was a booming, commanding headliner. He was an all-class and distinguished gentleman.
I need not go into how well-received this guy was. He enamoured the jubilant crowd! The only male singer on the revue whom was much loved and much-not-threatened!
However: (Oh, the pot boils..) Yuen Ye played a video in the background of him singing. Live.
Yeah. He played a little edit.
A little video byte.
I wish this part was being made up:
Yuen Ye played his video of him SINGING AT THE 2008 BEIJJING OLYMPICS!!!
That’s right: I shared the stage with a singer whom PLAYED THE OLYMPICS!!
It could have been staged footage, but I doubt it! Someone did tell us Yuen Ye sang at Beijing, and who were we to question???
He played it in the background while he sang at the pageant!
OF EVERYTHING…
….hurled and hurtled….
….into this kitchen sink….
….of-comedy-and-travel:
Why not add an OLYMPIC flare to it, too??? Literally and metaphorically!
LITERALLY!!
I saw this guy and the footage of him singing! He sang like tenor! A pop tenor!
Yuen Ye and Lisa Ai had singing voices so powerful they could evaporate the smog!
He was even more stridently talented than Lisa AI! Unfair to compare, but WOW!
Geoff and I did not even look at Daisong in questioning.
We had come far enough from that, I think!
Yuen Ye did a much long set (though I don’t think anyone wanted any “longer” of Geoff and me) and Yuen Ye deserved and earned every luminescent moment of his being-on-stage!
Wow. Not-sarcastic. Sincere.
Wow.
After his set and applause breaks,,,, Yuen came up and cheersed us. We told him it was an honor to have been on-stage with him as well! Even though Geoff and I truly didn’t know we would be. He was a solid dude! We hope that that sentiment is what Daisong translated for us, to him.
Then later on both Yuen Ye and Lisa Ai came up to us and repeatedly “cheersed” us. Again.
Not sure if that was a polite “reminder” of what part of the show the crowd had enjoyed…
…but I profoundly doubt it was vindictive, and if it was: The joke is on them!
Everyone enjoyed the HOT MODELS MORE than the wonderful-, and not-so-wonderful-, singing!
Geoff and I sat there and realized: We just opened for a guy whom sang at the 2008 BEIJING OLYMPICS!
MORE SO: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HAVING US AT ALL????
(Again: what does “international” mean??)
Alas, I ripped on Daisong for his goofiness in this tale, but if it were not for his inexplicably mad genius: such an awesome story would never have surfaced! I thank him and I thank him again! Geoff and I opened for them! Miss China Too!
It was awesome!
I remember saying to Geoff earlier: “We are doing this just for the story, right?” and he aptly retorted: “That, and the fact there are Miss China models, Simon!” But Geoff: WHAT A STORY!!
How did I EVER get labeled as a “Famous Canadian Singer???”
There is a video too! In it: you can actually see, for a good 4-second stretch (an “accurate” way Women describe me!) you can see the camera capture Miss China giggling right at me as I “sang!!”
To find the video: go onto Youtube; type in Geoff Mackay; and then click on “A Little Trouble In Big China.” (I named it. I am pretty proud of that.) It is 19-minutes long, and hilariously worth it!
When my Mom saw the video: She took a long, pronounced, deliberate breath. She coldly, but coolly just asked: “Simon, my son, couldn’t… you… have… at LEAST, changed your name?? Well-done!”
When Geoff and I stepped into that scary SUV, we wondered: “What will this entail?!”
We got:
Not Guts; No Glory;
And:
We-got-to-see-China; have-lots-of-laughs; trusted-our-fun-goofball-“instincts”; were-sweetly-and-humanly-given-two-symbolic-Chinese-gifts-symbolizing-Good-Luck-and-Good-Fortune; “sang”-in-China; were-fraudulent-rock-stars; free-train-tickets; nearly-driven-off-the-face-of-the-Earth-more-so; greeted-by-the-President’s-wife; saw-a-baby-in-no-car-seat; showed-up-slowpoke-ambulances-by-being-charioted-from-the-station by-a-terrifying-literal-secret-agent; a-sweet-hotel-room; bad-shirt-approval; deceitfully-upstaged-to-a-greatly-grandstanding-extent; laughed-off-stage; I-got-called-ugly-and-GEOFF-GOT-CALLED-“GEOFFY!”; ridiculed-by-models; death-threats; wriggling-food; free-alcohol; a-place-to-sit-at-a-table; “presidential” death threats; asked-for-our-non-comedy-&-non-existent-albums; added-a-literally-OLYMPIC-connection-to-all-this; given-business-cards-and-a-free-sweet-music-album; and MISS-CHINA-LIKED-Me; Geoff-and-I-made-new-friends-and-we-became-much-greater-friends-as-we-were-only-acquaintances-and-ambiguous-colleagues-before; and-in-the-end: How-in-the-jolly-hell-could-travelling-to-Hamilton-Ontario-have-led-to-comedic-death-threats-AND-TO-ALL-OF-THIS??!!
In the sweet, wonderfully-goofy actual end/epilogue… (now):
It was all worth it, just, to be told in direct, honest, not-lost, and beautiful translation:
Miss China: (articulated about Simon Seline):
“He is devastatingly cute! But: really, REALLY……. He just cannot sing!!!!”
How many dumb, jovial guys from Ottawa can say they ever had the real Miss China call them: “devastatingly cute?”
Wow!
THE END